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Home | Issues
| April 2003
Meeting your Match
by Matching your Values
consciouschoice.com/issues/cc1604/meetmatch1604.html
Where to discover like-minded friends and lovers
by Nomy Lamm
Conscious Choice, April 2003
As a conscious, forward thinking, Earth-loving,
choice-making individual, you realize that you hold everything you
need inside yourself. You are strong and confident without being defined
as part of a couple. Still, you know that you deserve love and healthy
human contact.
You wonder to yourself, how will I find a companion who can appreciate
the delicate art of vegan cooking and its evolutionary significance?
Or possibly you've imagined locking looks with a special someone as
you browse the "Acupressure for Lovers" section at the local spirituality
stop-n-shop. Or you wish for a lover for whom talking about "the downfall
of civilization and the creation of a new era of love and enlightenment"
is hot pillow talk.
You know the person is out there, but how to find them? It's hard
enough in the dating world to find a person you click with, let alone
someone whose intentions and ideals match your own. Chicago is a huge
city, and the community of so-called "cultural creatives," while growing,
is not hugely visible.
"I think it's relatively easy for people in their 20s and 30s. They're
more open, not so firmly implanted in their belief system," said Laura
Bruzas, founder of V (a new monthly vegetarian magazine) and
the Healthy Dining Club for Singles. "Once someone reaches their late
30s, early 40s, they become aware that it's not just about finding
a wonderful person, but also someone who wants to take care of themselves.
Someone who realizes the importance of exercise to prevent disease,
who supports sustainable agricultural efforts, who is conscious of
the cleaning products they use in their home. It's hard to find a
lifestyle partner."
Core Values in Cyberspace?
There's always the computer. Online dating services targeted at specific
lifestyle and value systems, including veg giedate.com, meetyourgreens.com,
and conscioussingles.com, are increasingly showing up on the Web,
providing a cyber venue for potential connections. These sites offer
chat rooms, personal ads,
forums, advice columns, and related links.
Even though she's met her last three partners through computer dating
services, Bruzas, who's 45, maintains that it's extremely difficult
to find a values-conscious individual online. One of her exes, she
said, was a true exception, and they were together for three years.
The other two were nice, attractive people, but they lacked the lifestyle
component that she was looking for. She then put an ad in the Chicago
Reader, looking for a values conscious individual like herself.
Again, she says, it's been next to impossible. "It's not the right
venue. There's a lot of activity out there, but that core value system
is missing."
At meetyourgreens.com, the first images one is greeted with are the
traditional dating service photos of couples silhouetted against a
sunset beach scene. Many of the ads read the same as any other online
dating site: "My favorite bands are Linkin Park and Eminem." "Looking
for a smart, sensuous, and ambitious lady." Others ask for "someone
who cares for humans and animals equally. Someone who is environmentally
conscious."
Billing itself as a Web site for "singles of all sexual orientations
who are interested in healthy, holistic living, personal growth, spirituality
and metaphysics, recovery, social issues, and the environment," conscioussingles.com
seems to be the most spiritually focused of the three sites. The pet
project of Dr. Joel Rachelson, the site takes a slightly different
approach than the traditional "find your dream mate" cyber dating
services. "We believe from our own experience that love and friendship
blossom in an environment that is conscious, safe, harmonious, and
diverse," writes Rachelson on the opening page.
Navigating the Energy
Online dating may have its place, but honestly, nothing beats the
feeling of an authentic spontaneous encounter with an intriguing person.
For that, my friend, you just may need to leave the house!
"Actually, we met at a bar," laughs 35-year-old Marla Rose, referring
to her husband, John Beske. "It was poetry night at the Green Mill,
at a poetry slam. I was reading a poem and he was there with a mutual
friend. We just hit it off."
At what point did she realize they could connect on a core level?
"It became clear over a short time," she says. "If not immediately
then shortly thereafter." Married now for four-and-a-half years, the
two of them co-founded EarthSave Chicago, run a business called Vegan
Street, and are just starting a family.
But how often are you gonna find a spiritual mate in the middle of
a smoky bar? How many would want to? The holistic counterpart to this
approach could very well be Healing Earth Resources -- the book and
gift shop on Chicago's North side that also serves as a hub for people
interested in all types of spirituality and consciousness-raising.
With a full roster of workshops, lectures, and events sponsored by
various Chicago groups, Healing Earth has the potential to be a meeting
space for people looking for all kinds of connections. For instance,
EarthSave holds gatherings to give people a chance to eat healthfully,
socialize, and learn from each other.
"What we're trying to do is build a community of people [who want]
to live this compassionate and healthful lifestyle," says Rose, describing
EarthSave Chicago's monthly potlucks. "It's nice because it's an environment
that's social but there's not a lot of pressure on people, it's not
a meat market. It's primarily an educational environment, but if people
come and meet kindred spirits, whether potential romantic partners
or just friends, I think it's great.
"I think it's pretty clear when you attend [EarthSave] potlucks,
it's an open, warm and friendly space, not somewhere people would
feel vulnerable to being harassed," said Rose.
When Laurie Pentell first moved to Chicago from Colorado, she went
looking for a community of conscious individuals. Unable to find what
she was looking for, she wished for a kind of "conscious café."
"I like gently organized activities, something where I don't have
to walk into a room and start shmoozing, that's a nightmare to me.
I like going some place I know there's a certain kind of energy, an
activity in place that I can navigate within."
She started the Sageheart Alliance nearly four years ago to provide
such a space. Sageheart meets monthly at various Chicago venues including
Healing Earth Resources and No Exit Cafe. Guest speakers have covered
topics including co-housing, spirituality in the workplace, creativity,
living your purpose, and loving your life.
"To me, community is essential. If you don't have kindred spirits
in your life you're like a plant without water. Sageheart isn't a
singles thing specifically, but a lot of people are unattached which
is why they're out looking for other relationships. If you don't have
a friend to see that particular play, art show, or spiritual movie
with, what have you? It takes a lot away from life."
When Laura Bruzas set up the first meeting of The Healthy Dining
Club (a dining club for singles in their 40s and 50s) she expected
eight people to attend. Over the course of two days, the reservation
went from eight to 26. "It's an opportunity for people who are socially
conscious to get together in a restaurant, break bread, and discuss
the important issues of the day," says Bruzas. She's a member of several
local organizations but doesn't find them to be ideal for meeting
people. "When people go to a meeting, the meeting starts, the meeting's
over. It doesn't necessarily offer a proper social forum."
By the time the first meeting of the Healthy Dining Club was over,
eight more events had already been planned. Branching beyond its original
intent, the club is now featuring guest speakers, carpooling, party
games, and even a special evening of leisure and relaxation with massage
therapists, psychics, drinks, and a dinner buffet at CHI, a local
venue for holistic encounters.
"People have already contacted me saying, 'I really like so and so,
did he say anything to you?'" says Bruzas. "Everyone's been very willing
to share, it's a very team-oriented group. The [participants] who
are a part of this are the people who will help it grow...and come
up with ideas...and suggestions. I'm so excited about it. I've been
a Chicagoan for my entire life and I see all the things that are happening
on the East and West coasts. It's really nice that it's finally making
a huge impact in the Midwest. Its time has come."
Kay Stepkin is the 49-year-old co-founder of the local vegetarian
organization, Go Veggie. She attended the first Healthy Dining Club
event at Chicago's Russian Tea Time restaurant, and Go Veggie co-sponsored
a brunch soon after that first meeting. "I had a few old friends there,
but it was mostly people I'd never met before. The format gave people
something in common. I had some lively conversations. It was very
comfortable -- a lot of that has to do with Laura's personality, she
creates a fun environment."
Avoiding a Mismatch
Stepkin says that she is interested in finding a partner with similar
values, but warns against idealism. "Sometimes people who are newly
involved in this movement think that everyone has the big picture,
the big perspective on life. You find out that, really in terms of
people's character, there's the same array of characters you find
among meat eaters. That was one of my biggest disappointments. People
shouldn't think that because someone is a vegetarian or environmentalist
that it necessarily says anything about their character. That's still
to be determined through time."
Guy Spiro, astrologer and publisher of Chicago's Monthly Aspectarian
magazine, warns against dating people who are not at the same level
and trying to "bring them up." This is a surefire way of outgrowing
a person and becoming disappointed in your relationship. He stresses
the importance of finding partners who are consciously (rather than
unconsciously) evolving.
"Somebody may have the looks and the economic level, the background,
almost all of the pieces that the seeker imagines to be the perfect
person, but if they don't have the same commitment to evolving their
consciousness, then you don't have a match."
In his consultations with people looking for "the perfect match,"
Spiro seeks to take the edge off of people's desperation. In his opinion,
the answer to the big question "How do I find my match?" is simple:
Stop looking.
"Stop looking and start preparing. It's well known in metaphysical
circles, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. This applies
to lovers too. So my advice then usually is tend to your disciplines.
Do your meditation, do your yoga, get yourself ready for this person
and when you are ready they're likely to turn up," he says.
Apart from whether one accepts Spiro's advice, this is for certain:
patience is a virtue especially while waiting for love. But regardless
of our status -- single or otherwise -- it makes sense to take a big
bite out of life and live each moment fully. Becoming involved and
passionate about shaping a better world is an engaging way to live
and makes us attractive and interesting to those who cross our paths.>
Nomy Lamm is a Chicago-based writer and performance artist. Visit
her Web site, www.nomylamm.com.
Meeting your Match
"Conscious" Venues:
Earth
Save Chicago
Go Veggie!
Healing Earth Resources, 3111 N. Ashland Avenue, Chicago;
773-327-8459
Sageheart
Alliance
Vegan Street
V Magazine/Healthy Dining Club; hotline: 773-250-3311 healthydining@aol.com
Online dating:
veggiedate.com
meetyourgreens.com
conscioussingles.com
"Green" Gays
For people whose genders and/or desires fall outside of the binary
system, finding a partner with similar core values presents a whole
different set of complications. Traditionally, gay, lesbian, bi, and
trans (glbt) people tend to gather in bars and at events like Gay
Pride and Halsted Street Fair. But events based completely on gender
and sexual preference provide little assurance of a common ideology
or value system.
"The stereotype that gays are more socially conscious isn't true,"
says local gay musician Scott Free. "When you start dating around
you find that out pretty quick. If you're going to match ideology
within the gay community, you have to gravitate toward groups, organizations,
and events that center around art or politics, something other than
the bars, which are completely hit or miss."
The options are limited but he recommends: "Queer to the Left" (a
group focusing on non-gay-specific issues of fair housing, death penalty,
anti-war, and quality-of-life issues) and Unity Church in Chicago
which he says is a great place to go for someone who wants to date
ideologically. While these organizations are not specifically "green,"
you are likely to find a large ratio of vegetarians, environmentalists,
and peace activists involved.
"There's really not a lot -- if I knew where to look I'd probably
be partnered by now," said Leslie, a Zen Buddhist, pagan, Chicago
woman who primarily dates transgender people and didn't want her last
name published.
Both she and Scott Free also suggest visiting performance-based events
that provide a space for sharing ideologies and perspectives in a
gay context.
Performance Based Events:
"Dyke Mike" (Fridays, 10:30 pm, Bailiwick Art Center, 1229
W. Belmont)
"The Finger" gay open-mike and variety show (third Sunday
of the month, 7:00 pm, Early to Bed, 5232 N. Sheridan).
"Grinder" performance series (Thursdays, 8:00 pm, No Exit,
6730 N. Glenwood)
Organizations:
Chicago Anti-Bashing
Network
Queer to the Left: meets the first Sunday of every month at
5:00 pm at the COURAJ Office, 4554 N. Broadway #236, Chicago. Contact
queertotheleft-owner@onelist.com
for details. Listserv: queertotheleft-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unity Church,
1925 W. Thome, Chicago.
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